Wow! It's been over 2 years since I posted version 4.0! So, just in
time for trick-or-treat, here's the newest release of Dar Sillybus.
As always, I'm happy to receive comments, criticisms, rants, raves,
guffaws and groans about it. Here goes:
 

I'm happy to announce the first ever Dar Williams bus tour, known as
Dar Sillybus Y2K. (I apologize for using bulk email, but this is
faster than if I wrote you individually.) We've been working really
hard and have been planning this since February. We have worked with
many agents to pull this tour off without forcing you to endure
overproduced, ridiculous packaging. (On a tour last Halloween we were
talked into a stop in Tinseltown and I think you all know how badly
that ended!) You will be greeted at your arrival by your tourmeisters
Nora and Calamity John. (Nora's the one with the magenta hair wearing
the red sleeveless dress, John has the purple flowers and is wearing
the fez). They'll be serving orange tea once we hit the road.
Unfortunately, we had to stop serving donuts and Mickey's tall boys due
to the sticky mess which always seemed to get left behind. Don't worry
about your family because the babysitter's here for your little tykes.
She's in remarkably good spirits after returning from Newport, but she
has been heard to mumble derisively about someone named Joan. The bus
has all the amenities, including a rest room in the back. For your
convenience, when it becomes available, the "potty on" sign will
illuminate. The CD player in the bus should be fixed in time for the
tour. Yesterday, driver McElla inadvertently drove the bus into a huge
pothole while listening to one of her favorite jazz discs from the 60s.
Something inside the player went wacko which caused her to briefly
wonder, "How did I put Al Hirt on backwards?"
 

We'll be taking a leisurely and picaresque drive along the ocean
and then move to another place inland after a photo opportunity at a
scenic cranberry bog. When we get to Mortal City we'll stop for lunch
at a quaint local eatery on Spring Street called Sal's II. Don't miss
the terrarium right next to the bar. (Don't ask about the original Sal's
- some clean-shaven suits were investigating an infestation of waterbugs
when a suspicious brush fire burned the place down.) If you're lucky
you'll be served by Abelard. He had been unemployed for a very long time
due to a trouble in his head, but after therapy his self-esteem has
skyrocketed and now, when he meets someone he greets them with a proud
"How do! I work!" After unsuccessfully trying to be a Buddhist, he
recently converted to Judaism and if you're not careful he'll go on and
on with stories about "when I was a goy". Do NOT miss the house
speciality - "Best Beginnings", which is Earl Gray tea and toast with
Marionberry jam. For those with a lighter appetite, there's a coffee
place where we can go - uptown, at the corner of Gabrielle and Xena.
They make a damn fine cup of coffee, but I'd avoid the pumpkin pie; it's
always, well, you know.  Next door to Sal's II is the shop of the famous
inventor, Jeremiah B. Ralkin. He's best known for his application of
solar engineering to common plumbing and you can buy his very cool solar
refrigerator, the Ralkin Fridge and the new "Proposition" model of his
solar shower.  Two doors down, just past the Chi Chi Chi sorority house,
is the Medical Arts building.  The Dental Association will be having
their annual convention and therapy retreat and this year's theme is
learning coping skills.  The introductory address will be given by the
wandering French endodontist Dr. Robes Mite-Mangee Tenisea, DDS, and is
titled, "On A Bad Day How Do You Drill?"
 

After a satisfying meal we'll engage the patented Indy-glow turbo
drive and get traveling again, past a lot of nice sights from Memphis
to Denver, directly through the hills of Iowa, past the sprawling,
century-old silver corn, cucumber, and beat farms, to Mercury, Nevada,
site of the New Nuclear Mall ("Bring Your Family! Bring Your Family!").
There's no Wal-Mart there, but it is home to a unique specialty shop
- Our Size Fits All, where, thanks to modern technology, the same dress
which you can put on a Barbie doll can also fit a full grown human! You
can even wear it backwards. Pay no attention to the almost-familiar
looking woman on the soapbox ranting on about when the revolution comes.
She'll disavow it later, anyway. And those glasses!  We're very lucky in
that the mall art museum will have two special exhibits, one of
abstract/expressionist painters and the other called "Vesuvius Revisited:
Relics or Biohazard?". There will also be a concert in the food court by
musicians playing little-known instruments, the didjeridoo, for example,
and I'm sure you and your fellow travelers will be asking each other
excitedly, "what do YOU hear in these sounds?" If you'd like some
exercise, there's a lake out back where you can rent a boat and row and
row and row. For safety, we'd like you all to go out in twos and to
remember that only one person should be using the oars and that only the
other person should be eating. It will be up to the oarer to remind the
eater, "If I row - chew!" We're even prepared if you overdo it. Should
you end up with Charlie horses, we have plenty of warm fluffy blankets
left over from last Christmas' Carol sessions which you can use to cover
your kinks. You can take all your arms can Kerry. There will be no extra
charge for this on your Bill.
 

On our way home we'll take a detour in western NY down some little
dirt roads to catch a glimpse of the Love House. We won't be invading
their privacy as they'll see us coming before we get there. If you look
carefully, you'll see the beautiful gate and fence which took so long
to build, as it was constructed only one post a day! They also raise
terriers there, and on those hot days at the end of the summer, if you
look by the pool, you'll see Yorkies in the water. Our final stop will
be at a dinner theater (which is oddly named, "The Icy Belt") where head
chef Sally LaFiche will be blessing us with her specialty of the house,
after which we will see an award-winning presentation of the ballet, "The
Unicorn". I am obliged to warn you that The Icy Belt isn't in the best
part of town, so you'd do best not to stray from the theater. I don't
want to hear anyone say later that teenagers kick our butts. Yeah, we
used to stop at a little place up the road, buddy, but it really went
downhill. The food became bland, the drinks watered, and the
entertainment was really lame. People would leave in droves, muttering,
"It's a bore in there."  The last straw came a few weeks ago when rapper
F. F. Monet and his band, Grisly Lash, was playing there and the
audience displayed its appreciation by mooning him.  A near riot ensued.
To this day, Monet refers to the incident as, "The playing to the
fundament gig".
 

It won't take a miracle to get everyone back to our starting point on
time. At the end of the tour I guarantee everyone will be so happy and
leave with warm feelings not only for themselves, but for everyone else
sharing this experience, and you know, my friends, I got to tell you, as
cool as I am, I like it when it gets that way, though it might break my
heart to walk away. So, make your reservation to get on the bus today -
we can legally carry only 50 passengers and only those who sign up in
advance can get the very organic "Dar Sillybus Y2K" tee shirts (we
decided to use the kind without the rivets after the last fiasco). And
let me stifle any rumors you may have heard, this tour will definitely
not be banned.
 

A personal note to the angry Scottish gentleman who thought he was
signing up for a Don Williams tour: I am sorry for all the
misunderstandings and am returning your deposit. I'd like to say that I
don't believe that the phrase you actually wanted to use was, "go spit
in your hat", and it was certainly unnecessary for you to send it to me.
After all, we already HAVE a Flem-Tam.
 

Revision history:
v1.0 1/30/97
v2.0 4/15/97
v3.0 9/24/97
v4.0 8/14/98
v5.0 10/30/00
________________________________________________________________________
Howie Lyhte
howie33@mediaone.net